Writing

Why Are You Single: Let’s Do The Math

Published in: McSweeney's Internet Tendency
Date: September 29th, 2016

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I Hate To Be A Bitch, But Can Somebody Please Help Me Up?

Published in: Reductress
Date: May 19th, 2016

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A Youth Soccer Player’s Participation Award Acceptance Speech

Published in: McSweeney's Internet Tendency
Date: March 18th, 2016

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Cheese Plate Remains Untouched Amid Conversation of How Much Everyone Loves Cheese

Published in: Reductress
Date: February 15, 2016

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We Want To Make Your Feminist Action Thriller Screenplay Into A Blockbuster Hit!

Published in: The Rumpus: Funny Women
Date: January 5th, 2016

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I Lived It: I Couldn’t Open His Button-Fly in Time

Published in: Reductress
Date: January 4th, 2016

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I Lived It: My Mother Put Me in The Friend Zone

Published in: Reductress
Date: December 9th, 2015

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We Explicitly Asked These Moms Not to Tell Us What They Thought Was Sexy. Here’s What They Think Is Sexy.

Published in: Reductress
Date: December 4th, 2015

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Journaling Tips That Won’t Totally Embarrass You When It’s Published Posthumously

Published in: Reductress
Date: November 18th, 2015

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I’m Swearing Off Men Forever Or Until He Texts Back

Published in: Reductress
Date: November 10th, 2015

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Sure, It Would Be Terrible, But Imagine The College Essay You Could Write

Published in: McSweeney's Internet Tendency
Date: November 6th, 2015

It’s not that I want to experience a closeness to death or a tragedy so life changing that one can only imagine the genius that might come from the written explorative reflection requested by the common application for undergraduate studies, I’m only making the point that it would likely write itself if I had.

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This Sommelier Recommends The Best Throwing Wine

Published in: Reductress
Date: October 19, 2015

A flat wine isn’t any less of a bold wine, and a full-bodied, opulent wine is the perfect way to boldly shower your opponent in a vivified metaphor of disgust. This Marcel-approved Red Alicante bottle has the big tannins to overwhelm the senses on that lying snitch’s face and leaves behind a velvety finish, ensuring that, upon drying off, the sensation of thrown wine lingers.

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Why I’m Dating My Electric Blanket

Published in: Reductress
Date: October 16, 2015

When you can’t cozy up to a man giving off natural (and free!) body heat, not only are you reminded that you have nobody in your life who loves you, but you also get significantly chillier. Talk about cold. Fortunately, I do not feel the frigid clutch of winter loneliness because I’ve made the leap and decided to start dating my electric blanket.

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Tampon Remains Unclaimed After Rolling in Subway Car for Four Hours

Published in: Reductress
Date: October 7th, 2015

Early this morning, a Kotex Super™ tampon freed itself from an unidentified F train passenger’s bag and remains unclaimed. According to transit police officers, no one wants it.

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Girl Engaged Hours After Ordering Whiskey Neat

Published in: Reductress
Date: September 30th, 2015

When asked to comment, Tucker declared, “I love whiskey. I just love, love the taste of whiskey, right guys?” she shouted to a crowd of attractive men who cheered in response. She shrugged happily as they showered her with diamond rings.

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I’m Twenty Something Years Old! Send Help!

Published in: McSweeney's Internet Tendency
Date: September 25th, 2015

Yesterday was my twenty-first birthday, marking my first year as a twenty-something and my life is now impossible to navigate. I can’t comprehend existence the way I used to and I feel inexplicably drawn to the idea of a meal that combines breakfast and lunch, served with a mimosa.

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My Tinder With Andre

Published in: Runt Of The Web
Date: August 24th, 2015

We went to the bar and ordered our drinks. Me, a gin & tonic. He, a locally brewed IPA he chose after discussing hop flavor and fermentation of all other selections with the bartender. He was thorough. I liked that.

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Family Haunted By “Ghost,” Actually Middle Child

Published in: Runt Of The Web
Date: September 16th, 2015

Doug started noticing strange happenings in their suburban home around the same time his youngest daughter, Ella, received a new iPhone for her birthday, just like the one he bought his oldest daughter, Samantha, a couple weeks ago when she broke her old one. Sources say Kaitlyn was still using an LG flip phone.

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Leacock’s City Guide

Published in: Leacock's
Date: August 2014

A Top 5 Guide to Everything Montreal, Quebec has to offer.

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Americans Get Off On Bizarre Punishments

Published in: VICE
Date: December 6th, 2012

Evidently, American judges are reviving the medieval principle of shame like they’re living in the extended universe of The Scarlet Letter. There’s even a judge who’s famous for this brand of “creative justice.” He goes by the name of Judge Michael Cicconetti. One of his greatest hits came from the time he sent a housewife into the woods for a night, during the winter, because she neglected a whole bunch of cats.

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There Are Many Ways To Die On Halloween

Published in: VICE
Date: October 30th, 2012

After an extensive amount of research that forced me to accumulate an incriminatingly morbid search history on my computer, I took it upon myself to compile all of the most bizarre Halloween fatalities this world has ever seen for you, reader.

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Advertisers Are Living In Your Brain

Published in: VICE
Date: October 15th, 2012

Brain-computer interface devices are essentially helmets that allow users to control computers with their thoughts. Last August, a group of researchers at the USENIX Security Symposium used this technology to extract security PINs from people’s minds using off-the-shelf BCI technology and published their findings.

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We Met A Real French Canadian Knight

Published in: VICE
Date: October 5th, 2012

This guy does not merely pretend that he’s a knight, he absolutely is one. Vincent was knighted by a bishop, wears custom made leather chaps, and dons a personalized helmet and sword. Most of you have probably never even met a bishop.

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Would You Strip Your Way Through School

Published in: VICE
Date: September 18th, 2012

With tuition rates consistently rising, a higher education can be a real bummer to pay for. When you add living expenses and the necessary booze budget to the mix, you usually end up with a slanted apartment kept together with steel wool and crazy glue while you ration those canned goods and ramen noodles your mom got you last summer at Costco. When those run out, it’s easy to consider a career in taking your clothes off for total strangers, at least they encourage you to keep going by throwing money.

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Jennifer Anniston: Portrait of an American Artist

Published in: The Red Herring
Date: November 5th, 2011

Now few of you would call post-Brennifer Paniston a genius, a unique talent, an artist, a tasteful public figure, a role model, or a respectable actress, but everyone can relax and stop hassling me, because I am here to give that woman a good name.

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Cosmo for Dummies

Published in: The Red Herring
Date: July 9th, 2011

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New Rez

Published in: The Red Herring
Date: June 9th, 2011

There are no fake or half-assed biddies. Unlike most stereotypical characters, a biddy simply is. And what a thing it is.

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